Before I finish my story, I want to comment on where I am up to in my recovery. I want you to know that while I have made significant steps in my mental health, I am not fixed. At times my world looks nothing like the Garden of Eden. I still find myself becoming incredibly anxious. I still have low moods. My desire for Heaven is still there.
And yet, the foundations on which I walk are far more robust. My joy is anchored far deeper than it used to be. I have been equipped with counselling tools that enable me to unpack my emotion. I have been introduced to spiritual practices that help direct my gaze towards the beauty of Christ. My theology is now richer. My Saviour’s affection feels warmer and more tangible.
John Dickson’s 'Mental Health' episode in his podcast Undeceptions with John Dickson articulates very nicely how I feel at the moment as I reflect upon my mental health in regards to my faith. ‘Faith fixes me everyday and yet it doesn’t fix me... Christianity doesn’t offer a fix to every ailment... Biblical faith sustains us in a real and a profound way... We have decided that we are going to walk with a bit of a limp - calmly, peacefully, often joyfully’. I share in this tension. The power and mercy of Christ is pivotal in my recovery and yet I may never find complete restoration. That is, until I enter into paradise and experience a full and never-ending restoration.
What about my desire for Heaven? It is still there. It is not as acute as it once was, but I still feel homesick. A subtle but chronic ache to be in Heaven. Often it lingers in the background. A seed that remains planted within my mind. It often springs up whenever Heaven is spoken about at church. I still get so excited about Heaven. I still long for it. I cannot wait to be the person I was made to be. To be completely settled and still before my Heavenly Father. It will be so nice when I am able to arrive home.
So what keeps me here?
There are a range of things that keep me here. I look forward to having kids one day. I’m keen to grow closer with my wife. I’m excited for holidays and experiences. I look forward to becoming a social worker. There are lots of events and milestones that I look forward to. You get the idea. However, I’m afraid that these desires and their significance often crumble before my longing of Heaven. Heaven is all of this and more. At times it feels like it is not even worth comparing these dreams to the surpassing glory that will be revealed in Heaven.
So personally, I have had to find a few key convictions that I can hold on to. To find a meaning in this life that is good enough to keep me here. A due north even in the chaos and storms of my life. As I go through each conviction, please know that it is easy to write in such a way that I come out as some sort of hero in this. To look like I have it all together. To appear as if I have mastered my craving for Heaven. If only this was the case. If you knew me, you would see someone who is limping towards these ideals. Fully reliant upon the Spirit and all too familiar with needing the forgiveness of Christ.
And so as I wait for Heaven, I take hold of these truths. It is my prayer that if my mental health declines again, these convictions will get me through those horrible nights.
I have made a promise
Firstly, my wife. I promised on our wedding day that I would love and cherish her. I intend to keep that vow. I hope that as my mind drifts off to the warmth of Heaven, I would remember her, and the promise I made to her. I pray earnestly that God would help me to remember this promise even in the depths of depression.
FOMO - Fear of missing out
Secondly, I don’t want to have FOMO in Heaven. What I mean by this, is that I don’t want to miss out on having an impact on other people's lives. I want God to use my life to build up the Church. I borrowed this conviction from Paul in his letter to the Philippians. ‘For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain... I am torn between the two - I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.’
So, if Paul also wanted Heaven now, what kept him alive? ‘It is more necessary for you that I remain in the body... Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith’. I want to help others see the beauty and the joy found in the Gospel. How amazing that God wants to use me despite my weakness. I can help to strengthen and grow His family.
Sometimes when the desire for Heaven becomes unhelpfully real, I picture myself there. But, I picture feeling alone. There are people around me. In fact, there are people everywhere. But, no one is sitting next to me. It is like I am visiting a church for the first time. No one is welcoming me or acknowledging me. I don’t recognise anyone. Whereas, everyone else seems to be celebrating. Hugging each other. Laughing together. Sharing joyful tears with one another. I am missing out. I have a serious case of FOMO.
I then imagine hearing my nickname being called out. ‘Chomp!’. As I turn around, I see my family walking through the door. All of them. We run towards each other and form a huddle-like hug. Like a footy team after scoring a try. We are pumped up with excitement. Pure elation as we jump around together. I then hear a bunch of noisy kids run through the door. I recognise the high-pitch shrieks. It’s the kids from youth group. They are bundling their way in. Their wide-eyed faces are beaming. I can’t help but laugh at their out-of-control excitement and contagious glee. Before I know it, I begin to see my brothers and sisters from Bible study walk through the door. There are young and old people from my church walking over. I see my dear friends from my school, uni and camps that I went on. All celebrating together. All in complete delight and awe.
And, one by one, we thank each other for the role we played in each others faith. We reminisce of past conversations that encouraged and strengthened us. We all rejoice in the strong camaraderie we shared in. Of course, all glory goes to our God, but we recognise the way God used each of us to strengthen one another.
I want to be a part of this. I want to know that my life here on earth actually played a helpful role in the story of God’s family. I don’t want to miss out on this.
I can bring God glory now
Thirdly, I can glorify Christ in my repentance. Every time I confess my sin to Christ, God’s perfect graciousness and mercy can be shown. I can make God look great. When I boast in my weakness and take comfort in God’s forgiveness, I show the world the beauty of Christ. In a world that lacks sacrificial love and dismisses forgiveness, the gospel of Christ can shine so brightly through my brokenness.
I can be quick to apologise. Quick to ask for forgiveness. I don’t need to hide my inadequacies or mistakes. They have been dealt with. ‘There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus’. I am free. My shame has been washed away. I am wrapped in the clean clothes of Christ. God delights in me. ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me’. Through my weakness, I can bring God glory now. It is actually in my weakness and brokenness that I can feel the full weight of God's love and affections. I do not have to wait until Heaven!
Thank you
To wrap up this section, I want to mention the role some people have had upon my recovery. I want to thank my wife for staying by my side even when I wasn't much fun to be around. Thank you for allowing me to ramble my thoughts to you each afternoon when you get back from work. Even if you are not listening, thanks for nodding your head and allowing me to process all that is in my mind. And, thank you for encouraging me to share my story.
I am thankful for my parents who have provided so much wisdom and care. I was able to share my deepest secret of wanting Heaven now with them, because they both fostered a trusting and genuine relationship with me. It was this safety that enabled me to be honest with them. I want to acknowledge my siblings who all reached out when they found out I was struggling. You make me feel so appreciated and valued.
I also want to thank my youth minister. Thank you for listening when I needed to talk and for your constant prayers. I thank God for your gentle heart and deep concern for people. Thank you to my friends at church and at uni who provide the community and fellowship I need. Your love and support disempowers the lie that I am alone. Lastly, thank you John Mark Comer and Matt Chandler for those sermons. Whilst it is weird to thank people I have never met, I truly appreciate the honesty and vulnerability in your words as you reminded me of the beauty of Christ.
Please know that the Lord has worked through each one of you to strengthen and support me, as I wrestle with the desire to be in Heaven now.
Kommentare