The first album I ever bought was ‘Life in Cartoon Motion’ by Mika. As a really young kid James Blunt was my choice of artist when I was asked to play music for dinner. My top three songs during my early teens were:
‘How to Save a Life’ - The Fray
‘Light Surrounding You’ - Evermore
‘The Scientist’ - Coldplay
To top it all off, I used to fall asleep each night in year 8 to the song, ‘Death Bed’ by Relient K. Shivers… No wonder I ended up with anxiety and depression. My siblings and school friends jokingly referred to me as emotionally needy. It was kind of a joke… but also kind of true. I had a soft spot for music, books and movies that tugged on your heart strings.
So it was no surprise that I fell in love with ‘sermon jams’. Sermon jams are emotional videos on YouTube that play the audio of a sermon while visually using ‘cool’ graphics and subtitles to annotate what is being said. Most importantly the sermon is being played alongside a dramatic piece of music. If you want to check out what I am talking about have a look at ‘Jesus is Loving Barabbas - Judah Smith Sermon Jam’ (https://youtu.be/QGOcLFqWtIE). I would watch these often corny videos over and over until I knew them off by heart. I am totally aware of how cringey and tacky some of these videos are and yet, I love it!
It is no wonder that I began to make my own sermon jams. I found myself cropping sermons down to a highlights reel and adding some powerful Hillsong or orchestral music to the background. Two of the first sermon jams I made were from John Mark Comer’s sermon ‘My Name is Hope Pt. 1’ and Matt Chandler’s talk at the Linger conference in 2020. (https://soundcloud.com/chomp-green). The reason I chose these sermons was that they had a huge impact upon my recovery from my mental illness.
The psychologist over 10 appointments really helped me recover from my distorted sense of self. However, my damaging theology and my disillusioned perception of other Christians lingered on for much longer. Little by little, over a number of years God worked within me to bring to light the lies that I was believing. From chats with my wife, to discussions with my parents, to Bible studies and sermons from my local church, to reflections in quiet time to even writing this blog - God has slowly peeled back my flawed thinking. Using a range of different voices in my life, He began to show me truths of His character and realities of following Him.
I believe these two sermons played a pivotal role in dispelling my damaging understanding of God and my disillusioned perception of Christians. So, I want to take the time to draw out a couple of ideas from each talk. These concepts greatly comforted my soul and provided me a deep sense of joy and peace.
My Name is Hope Pt. 1 - John Mark Comer
I am not alone.
The lie that I was somehow unique in my anxiety and depression was blown out of the water when I heard this talk. Hearing John Mark’s own experience with mental illness helped me to see that, maybe, I’m not the only one. He then argued that the 'Bible tells the raw uncut story of prophets and poets, mothers and fathers, and a messiah who came up against anxiety and depression.’ For the first time I began to see characters of the Bible in a different light.
Hearing that the likes of Job, Elijah and King David all experienced severe mental illness changed the way I viewed my own faith. Here are three ‘hero’s’ of the Old Testament. Guys who are known for their faith. Job remained faithful despite tragedy, Elijah a prophet with God on his side and David, the child who defeated Goliath and the King of God’s people. And yet, all three men had suicidal ideation. Seeing these men in this new light showed a greater complexity to their character. These men had suffering minds.
The echoes of my own cry for relief could be seen in these characters. Job is grieving the death of his children and the loss of his prosperity. He is burning out. At first he managed to sing Matt Redman’s ‘Blessed Be Your Name’. ‘The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised ’. But then we read chapter after chapter of Job’s honest cries for relief.
‘Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb... Why is light given to those in misery… to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure... I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil... Oh, that I might have my request that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me... When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I would prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life.'
Elijah has seen first hand miraculous wonders and the incredible power of the Lord. And yet, Elijah becomes truly afraid. This fear and panic leads Elijah to the point in which he is willing to tap out. ‘I have had enough, Lord...Take my life’. You can hear the exhaustion in Elijah’s plea.
Lastly, King David joins this chorus of a desperate desire for relief.
‘Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint... My soul is in deep anguish... I am worn out from my groaning... How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?… How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and have sorrow in my heart?... Look on me and answer me... The cords of death entangled me, the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me... I cried to my God for help.’
These honest cries for Heaven now showed me that I was not alone. In fact, I came to realise my own Saviour was identified as ‘a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.’ Jesus, like us, was an emotional being. He loved, he got angry, he got frustrated, he wept. We even see Jesus begging his father for a way out. Asking for relief. ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death’. Our Messiah ‘fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me”… Being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.’
Jesus was hurting. Notice that all this pain and anguish is psychological. He is not being physically harmed at this point. But, he is worried about what is to come. The unknown. The rejection, the nails, witnessing the grief of loved ones. And, ultimately being completely separated from his father. Being rejected and cut off. About to come face to face with the furious wrath of God.
It may be uncomfortable to think of Jesus in this way. But, I take great comfort in having a Saviour who is able to empathise with our weakness, who knows what it is like to be tempted in every way. A King who can cry out with David, and with us, in our prayer for relief. ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest… Do not be far from me.’
I am not alone. I am not the only Christian who has suffered with mental illness. My anxiety and depression is not a reflection of my lack of faith. My desire for Heaven is seen in the lives of faithful followers of God. I have a Saviour, a King, a Redeemer who knows what I am going through. My Messiah gave up the comforts of Heaven (the exact thing I desire), so that he could step right into my suffering.
God is not scared of honest prayers.
This was another idea which John Mark helped me see more clearly. He argues that fake, pretend emotion is foreign in the Bible. Prayers in the Bible are real and honest. Struggles are not hidden. Pain and hurt are not kept secret. It makes me think about how I talk to God.
Do I pray to God the same way I talk to a colleague? Awkward, dry and boring. I’ve been in a number of conversations where the person I am talking to is looking past me. They are looking around the party to see who else they can talk to. Their eyes flicking around the room while they pretend to be interested. How often have I done this with God!
John Mark encourages his listeners to not just come to God with well-scripted, benign, polite prayers. Rather, chuck out the religious palm cards and pour out everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. He ensures us that God won’t be surprised or shocked. Because, He already knows what is in our heart! He can see it. He knows what is troubling you. You won't offend Him. He takes great delight in hearing from his children.
Are you someone who hates or likes conflict? I reckon there are some people who go out of their way to engage in conflict and disagreement. Personally, I hate conflict. I do what I can to avoid it. Which has its positives and negatives. One of the negatives is that when I am unhappy with someone I get annoyed and frustrated. However, more often than not I won’t tell them. I don’t want to deal with the confrontation. But this doesn’t fix anything. This strategy means my hurt leaks out in other ways. I hold on to grudges, I tell others how this person has wronged me, and I begin to find further evidence of why they are a bad person.
I wonder how many times I have done this to God. Rather than taking my frustration and hurt to Him, I store it away. I complain and grumble to others. I begin to find other ways He has let me down. There is a reason that so much marriage and family counselling is based around effective communication. Relationships function so much better when they are grounded upon honest communication. I came to see that this is exactly the same with my relationship with God.
John Mark looked at the raw honesty expressed in Psalm 88. ‘I am overwhelmed with troubles, and my life draws near to death... I am like one without strength... Why, Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?... From my youth I have suffered and been close to death... You have taken from me friend and neighbour - darkness is my closest friend ’.
This prayer is a song! In fact, it is a worship song that is to be sung by God’s people. Each desperate line is God-inspired. God-breathed. God is telling us that this is a form of worship. A template for our songs and prayers. We can glorify God though heart-wrenching, desperate pleas to our Heavenly Father. This understanding of prayer and worship was very far from my own theology.
My conversations with God changed when I stopped viewing Him as a cold-like lawyer or an intimidating boss. When I began to see God as my loving Father, a dear friend and a wise counsellor - I was able to grow in my honesty and vulnerability before Him.
John Mark summarises his sermon with this simple, yet profound truth:
‘The beautiful truth of Jesus is that He finds you where you are most broken. The gospel of religion says 'get your act together'. Fix your broken pieces and then come follow God all nice and shiny. The Gospel of Jesus is that God actually chases after you. He finds you right where you are most screwed up. Right where you are a disaster. In the mess. In the shame and guilt. In the part of you that you are hiding from the world.’
Matt Chandler Linger 2020 - Matt Chandler
Chandler’s big idea for this sermon is that ‘communion with Jesus Christ is what we were created for and where real life is found ’. This overarching idea spoke to me as it brought what I longed for in Heaven into the present. This is not some wishy-washy prosperity promising notion. Rather, rest, peace, affection and communion can all be found even in the struggles of life. It is possible to feel the reassuring presence of my Saviour here on earth.
God loves a future version of me.
Before listening to this sermon I was under the impression that God would maybe love a future version of me. Once I had more faith. Once I had a handle on my sin. Once I got over my mental illness. Once I stopped my lustful thoughts. I knew that this wasn’t going to be on this side of eternity, and so I was waiting (impatiently) for Heaven.
Chandler took me to John 15. This is where Jesus said, ‘as the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love’. Wow! The same love God the Father has for His Son, Jesus has for me. It makes total sense for the eternal Father to love his own Son. I get that. Jesus is faithful. He is perfect. He is worthy. But, I struggle to grasp that the same love the Father has for His Son, Jesus has for me. I know how unfaithful, imperfect and unworthy I am of His affection.
I noticed as well that Jesus’ love here is past tense. It is not I will love you. No. He already has. It is not in 10 or 20 or 50 years, as I grow in my holiness or faithfulness. It is not even when I arrive in Heaven. For, I have already been loved completely by Jesus. He sees me as I am, and loves me.
Chandler says that the ‘thrust of my life is about the reality that God is for me and not against me and that I am welcomed into His presence. And, that He actually delights in me’. When I first heard this sermon, I was unable to believe or even say this. I knew God hated and detested sin. I knew I was a sinner. Therefore, I believed that God hated and detested me. Or at the very least, put up with me until I entered the gates of heaven where I would be freed from my sin and washed clean of my imperfection. I longed for the day when God would finally delight in me. But John 15 says that Jesus by the Spirit delights and loves me, now!
Life is found in Christ.
This is a small point in Chandler’s sermon but it changed the way I viewed God’s word. He talks about how all of God’s blessings make great gifts but rubbish gods. That is, everything God gives us is to point us towards Him. If we go to our profession, our spouse, our friends, our family, our home, our status, our intelligence to fix us or to give us life we will be bitterly disappointed. This wasn’t new to me. I already knew this and understood this. But Chandler goes one step further and brings the Bible into the firing line. John 5 says ‘you study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life’.
Even the Bible in of itself will not give me life. I can study it. Read it. Discuss it. Debate it. But life is not found in the act of reading chapters and verses. Chandler points out that verses are not spells! It is not magic. Memorising a verse will not fix our struggle or temptation. Rather, God’s word gives us some victory over sin as it reminds us of the beauty and nature of Christ.
Life is only found when the Scriptures bring us to Jesus. Therefore, the end goal is not to increase Bible reading. Rather, the aim is to abide in and dwell with Christ as we marvel at His beauty. This helped me see that I was just reading the Bible trying to find the right passage or verse that fixed and healed my struggle. This isn’t the answer. Life can only be found in Christ.
My Gospel was too small.
Lastly, Chandler hit the nail on the head when it came to my understanding of the Gospel. I knew that I was saved by grace alone. I had taught it at youth group over and over again. Ephesians 2 was one of the first passages I memorised. ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, this is not from yourself but a gift from God.'
And yet, somehow there was a disconnect in my belief. I struggled to see that my sin had no consequence on my status before God. I was struggling to believe that my actions, thoughts and desires had no impact upon my salvation. However, if it was grace that saved me to begin with, it has to be grace that sustains my salvation.
Chandler says, ‘you didn’t save you. And, God didn’t save you because he was building an A team. Do you see the guys and girls God uses in the Bible? Hardly one of them could be hired at [my] church’. I was not saved because I impressed God. I am not saved because I am worthy of salvation. Rather, ‘while we were still sinners, Christ died for us’. I have memories that make me feel ill. Times where I became the guy I thought I wasn’t. I am aware of the wickedness in my heart. I honestly cringe at some of the things I have done in the past. I am also terrified of how I am going to blow it in the future. The fear of my inner sin being exposed and brought into the light for all to see. Not just the sin I am happy to share but all the evil which I try to bury away.
Remarkably, it is in this moment, in this depravity that Christ died for me. Christ moves towards me, not away from me. Christ rescues me, rather than condemns me. God is for me not against me and He welcomes me into His presence. I take comfort in the assurance of Psalm 51. ‘A broken and remorseful heart, you, God, will not despise.’