I can't imagine how confronting it must be for a parent to receive a phone call from the school counsellor alerting them to the fact that their child is self-harming. My guess would be that the parent’s mind becomes consumed with an array of mixed feelings and thoughts.
The usual responses and questions I hear go like this:
“How did I not know about this?”
“My poor Kid.”
"But they've been their usual, happy self?"
“I wonder why they didn’t speak to me about this?”
“Are they safe?”
“How are they self-harming?”
“Where did they get these ideas from?”
“What are we doing wrong?”
I suppose I have noticed two key themes emerge when listening to these responses.
A love and concern for their child.
Confusion.
I can understand why parents often feel lost and overwhelmed when it comes to self-harm. As a bystander to the situation, it can be really hard to make sense of your child's actions. I would argue that there is a particular generational gap when it comes to self-harm unlike other areas of mental health.
For example, I can go from listening to a student talking flippantly about the time they tried cutting but later found out that burning seems to be more efficient, to a conversation with an adult who is shocked to find out that students at a Christian school are engaging in self-harm. I can celebrate with a student who has not engaged in self-harm for over a month, to hearing a passing comment made by an adult that self-harm is nothing more than a social currency. I can listen to some teenagers explain exactly why they have become addicted to self-harm, to a meeting with teachers asking "why on earth would they do that?"
Of course the whole conversation surrounding mental health has changed dramatically over the past 20+ years. Our society has become used to R U Okay days and employees taking mental health sick days. We have become familiar with elite sporting professionals like Naomi Osaka and Steve Smith being open about their experience with poor mental health. Arenas are being sold out by Australians wanting to listen to Hugh van Cuylenburg discuss all things mental health.
However, from where I stand, I think that the greatest discrepancy between generational views of mental health lies within the notion of self-harm.
As a school counsellor it can sometimes feel that I am caught between two demographics that are speaking a completely different language.
“How on earth do kids even come up with these ideas?”
“My friend showed me a TikTok of this girl’s self-harm routine.”
“I didn’t know anyone that self-harmed when I was at school.”
“A few of my friends cut, I tried it, I don’t think it's for me.”
“What is wrong with this generation? They have no resilience.”
“Sometimes I feel so low that I think about killing myself. But to be honest, I think self-harm has helped me get through those times.”
There is a lot to be said about this generational lag. I believe it is a difficult but necessary conversation that needs to be had. I hope that this series of articles can provide a little clarity for parents as they navigate the real challenges and complexities of parenting a child who is self-harming.
In the meantime, have a look at The Shame Cycle.
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