‘In my view, suicide is not really a wish for life to end.
What is it then?
The wish is not to die, but to hide.’
- Orson Scott
I want to begin by sharing with you a memory that helpfully illustrates the reflex of shame. Imagine a son so embarrassed and humiliated by exposing his secret of desiring to be in Heaven with his parents, that instinctively he digs his head below the cushions on the couch. An unconscious impulse to turn his body away. Wishing the cracks of the couch would swallow him up. Any attempt to conceal his disgrace. I knew that trying to hide underneath a couple of cushions would never truly make me disappear, but this feeble attempt was all I could muster.
For those considering suicide, I imagine you know the reflex of shame all too well. The strong desire to hide, to fade away, to disappear. Perhaps you are under the horrible impression that those around you would be better off without you. Or maybe, you think no one would even notice.
We can trust that shame will be doing everything within its power to convince you of these lies. The persistent voice of shame will be relentless and at times unbearable. However, it is my prayer that by reading this series ‘Nakedness Wrapped Up’, you may begin to hear the calm but passionate voice of God.
Hide & Seek
God never intended to play 'hide and seek' with us. And yet, this is what we as a human race have chosen. From the Garden of Eden to now, we have been playing a big game of 'hide and seek'. You and I, the hiders, and God the seeker. Adam and Eve stumbled into this child’s game all those years ago when they rejected God’s good and perfect design. By starting our journey here we will see the origin of shame.
‘Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame’ (Gen 2:25).
Looking back, I never realised the significance of Adam and Eve being naked. I just thought it was funny. I remember laughing at Sunday School with friends at the G-rated, nude illustrations in the books. Then when I got a bit older, I thought the nakedness was just a necessity. What do you expect from two people living in a forest. Only recently have I understood that the reason for Adam and Eve being nude is more than comic relief or a lack of shops. Rather, it is a beautiful image of being completely unashamed.
Known. Loveable. Attractive. Accepted. Clean. Pure. Authentic. At peace. We did not feel weak nor broken. We had no sense of disgrace or unworthiness. We did not look at our bodies with disgust. We did not hide aspects of our identity. We had no fear. We could stand completely naked before each other and before our God - and feel no shame.
How far away my life is from that reality. I live with fear. I have secrets. I am trying to hide so much of myself from the world. I wish to be unashamed of myself, but unfortunately it is my ‘self’ that brings me so much shame. This is a direct consequence of Adam and Eve’s desire to step out of God’s good and perfect design. By not acting in step with God’s selfless love, they brought shame to themselves and to to each other. For when they rejected God’s love their ‘eyes were opened, and they realised they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves’ (Gen 3:7).
Imagine the shock. In a moment of time Adam and Eve go from unashamed to shamed. Shame invaded and intruded on their innocence. They became aware of their weakness and their guilt. Think of the overwhelming inadequacy. I can picture their desperate panic as they tried to cover themselves with fig leaves and branches. The peaceful calmness we see in the Garden of Eden is suddenly replaced by this breathless, chaotic hiding, as they cower away from each other and from God.
Adam’s story is our story. We have come to share this infected world. Shame is in the air we breathe. It has become native to our psyche. Many of us have carried the weight of shame for so many years. It is difficult, if not impossible, to imagine our lives without the constraint and control of shame.
‘Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord among the trees of the garden’ (Gen 3:8).
It is here that the first game of 'hide and seek' begins. They hear their loving Father. But rather than run to Him, they hide. They distance. They remain in the shadows. What motived Adam and Eve to hide? We read that Adam was afraid because of his nakedness. Fear was the primary motivator behind their feeble attempt to hide. They were fearful of being found out. A deep terror of being exposed. In other words, the fear of their shame being uncovered resulted in both Adam and Eve hiding.
I am trying to be careful not to generalise suicide, as it is complex and unique to each individual. However, when I think of my own desire for Heaven, this passage in Genesis helps me to make sense of it. This particular story shows me the link between shame and hiding. It appears that suicide is the enacting of shame’s relentless desire to disappear. This might sound over the top or insane to some of you who are reading this. However, when you are sick and tired of concealing aspects of who you are from those around you, hiding in death begins to make sense. Or, when the voice of your mental illness persistently distorts reality time and time again, hiding in death begins to make sense. Or, when you are filled with such intense regret of how you have hurt those closest to you, hiding in death begins to make sense. Finally, for those who have been abused by the most wicked acts of evil, hiding in death may seem like the only solution.
Ready Or Not, Here I Come
God calls out “Where are you?” (Gen 3:9)
God knows where they are. God is God. He is not dumb. So then why does the creator of the heavens and earth call out, ‘where are you?’. I don’t have a theology degree to support my answer, but as I read this verse now, I notice a God who is chasing after His children. I see a Father who is making the first move towards restoration. I hear an invitation from the all-powerful, all-knowing and ever-present God to come back to Him.
'The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them’ (Gen 3:21)
We can only imagine how upset God would have been at this point. His children have tainted His world with shame. His beautiful creation that fills the world had become corrupted. God could have pressed 'restart'. This is exactly what I would have done. In fact, in a not so similar way, when I play Manager Mode on FIFA I restart the match continuously. It goes like this. I have my team that I have been playing with all season and we have reached the F.A. Cup final. Lets say the other team scores a goal or two in the first half, I’ll instantly storm over to the console and flick the power button off and on. Easy peasy. The slate is clean and I can have another go at the critical match. I can do this two or three or however many times I need to win the game. God could have done this with us. But thankfully, He is far more loving and forgiving than I am.
God does not respond the way I would expect at all. In an act of grace, we see Him clothe Adam and Eve with animal skin. God sacrifices an innocent animal in order to clothe His children. God is not apathetic towards our shame. Not at all. We see this time and time again throughout God’s word. God is always actively doing something about our shame. And, ultimately this image of a sacrificed animal points us towards the beautiful picture of God’s own Son being sacrificed to cover our shame once for all.
I know how loud the voice of shame can be. I know how exhausting and at times tempting shame can be. With that in mind, it is my prayer that you will be able to feel the gentle embrace of your Heavenly Father coming near and clothing your nakedness.
Shame wants you to hide in death.
God brings life to those close to death.
Jesus died in shame, so we can hide in him.
Allow your nakedness to be wrapped up in Jesus.
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